The Indianapolis Colts have officially wrapped up their search for a new head coach after the recent firing of former head coach Chuck Pagano. The move may surprise some after reports of interviews with Josh McDaniels, Mike Vrabel and Dave Toub made their rounds, Chris Ballard announced the team would move forward with Clony Dungy as their next head coach.
“Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, thanks for being here today,” said Clony at his introductory press conference.” It’s an honor to be the next Fake head coach of the Indianapolis Colts. My vision for the franchise is to return the Colts to greatness much like the championship era of Peyton Manning. I’m literally building a time machine to return to 2006. There I can pick Coach Dungy’s brain and photocopy his playbook at the Kinko’s at 96th and Meridian.”
Clony will be tasked with turning around a team that ranked near the bottom of the league in several key areas including 31st in total offense and 29th in sacks.
“We will do what we do, which is not doing what we have done,” said Clony.” When we are done doing what we are doing, we will go to the next game and do it again even better.”
Currently, it is unknown who Clony is likely to bring on to fill out his coaching staff though it is likely he could look too fake Matt Patricia or kid Ben McAdoo as candidates.
“I’m not being defensive here, but I’m truly an offensive minded coach,” continued Clony. “Our goal will be to outscore our opponents and win ball games. We will do this with a complete distraction of our opponents. Our new uniform will feature an extremely bright neon blue that will completely blind our opponents thus gaining the advantage we need.”
Asked for his expectation surrounding his tenure in Indianapolis, Clony wasted little time in exclaiming, “Hang on Colts Nation, Clony Dungy is here to stay. I will not be satisfied with less than 15 Lombardi trophies. I have a burning fire in my eyes. I need to go because I’ve got an appointment with my eye doctor.”